Chapter 3 . . . Fight Club !

The first rule of Fight Club . . . do not talk about Fight Club.
Why ? Because it embarasses Mummy and Daddy !
Ok, so here's the full story.

One day Daddy took me for a walk and decided to test my 'come back to Daddy' skills. So off went my lead . .. and off I shot across the field, like a little flying furball, straight into a pack of 3 other dogs, my teeth gnashing and their fur flying! Its what I do! I don't socalise with other dogs, never have, never will. My old owners were fine with that. Anyway, I bit one of the 'poor little pooch's' foot and got a right telling off from Daddy for it. I was in the Doghouse good and proper.
Next thing, they bundle me into the car and tell me I'm going to Doggy Classes. What the . . . ??? Doggy Classes? I don't know what they think they can teach me!
Anyway, in we go to this village hall. Oh . . My . . God ! Dogs . . . everywhere !
Dogs in the middle of the hall, fetching stuff and bringing stuff. Dogs to the side, sitting and generally being good. Dogs on the little stage area, sitting and being REALLY good. My eyes popped out of my head, I slapped my butt on the floor and just stared at them all . . stared really really hard. It was awesome.

A lady came over to Mummy and Daddy and I could hear some of what they were saying, things like "antisocial,blah blah, dreadful, blah blah, bites other dogs, blah blah, want him to be nice". Keep talking guys, I'm enjoying just sitting and staring.

The lady (I don't remember her name, but let's call her Mrs Woodhouse)asked Mummy and Daddy to sit on the stage area with me and just to let me watch the other dogs for a while. So we moved onto the stage area, which was full of Collies, all being good and quiet. Stupid Collies. I made a lunge for one of them, but it moved its nose just in time Grrrrr. So we sat for a while, and I stared at the bringing, and the fetching, and the sitting. Dog, these dogs are dull.
I heard Mummy and Daddy talking to Mrs W about how I was totally silent when other dogs were around, but that I was also foaming at the mouth like a wild, rabid hound. And these people are supposed to love me ? Get over it people, its what I do !
Then Mrs W said "thats ok for this week" and we went home ! What was that about ?

Following Wednesday, exactly the same. Into the hall, onto the stage. Sat and stared and foamed at the mouth. Made a couple of futile lunges at the stupid collies again, but nothing much.
3rd Wednesday, there I am sat on my throne, I mean, the stage, staring at the menial dogs doing their 'dog stuff' . . when all of a sudden a door opened and out poured loads of little puppies ! Dog, I was on my feet in an instance! I don't get many opportunities to chomp on a puppy, so I was determined to make the most of it. Stupid little puppies with their waggy tails and wet noses, being all 'cute and friendly'. Grrrr.
One little black labrador puppy jumped up so its front feet were on the stage. I think he was about to say "Hello", but he didn't get the chance to finish. I leapt forward in one silent bound, ready to grab and chow down on his cute and shiny little nose. Unfortunately, Daddy had a tighter hold of my lead than I realised, and yanked me backwards, just as I was about to get a grip of the little blighter. Not fair Daddy, that was my best chance. Yeah, run away puppy, I'm right behind you ! Stupid puppies. Mummy wiped the foam off my mouth, Mrs W said "oh dear" and we went home.

The very next week, things were a bit different. Mrs W seemed a bit tougher, as if she somehow hadn't believed Mummy and Daddy's stories. Hmm, I think she does now.
Anway, this time we walked down the side of the hall, inches away from the sitting, good dogs. I made a couple of sidways leaps, but Daddy wouldn't let me get a good run up at them.
At the back of hall Mrs W said she had 'some things to try'. The first thing she did was put a funny collar on me. Then some stupid Collies came running towards me ! This is my chance . . I lunged forward. Accchoooooo ! A great big puff of lemon stuff just made me sneeze. Never mind..... lunge. . . . Accchooo! Again with the lemon. Lunge . . Achooooo . . Lunge . . . Achooo.
Mrs W took the collar off and said "well that's not working".
5 minutes later, a stupid Collie came within lunging distance. I lunged . . and Mrs W grabbed me and locked me in a cupboard. Ok, can't say I was expecting that !
Never mind . I can wait. Door opens, out I come. Collie nearby .. lunge. . locked in cupboard. OK, I get it. Right let me out people.
Out of cupboard, Collie nearby, I lunge . . .. and then run and hide in the cupboard. I heard Mummy and Daddy laughing, then Mrs W saying "well that's not working". So we went home.

And that was Fight Club. We never went again ! I don't know why they took me in the first place . . I told you, they can't teach me anything !