Chapter 3 . . . Fight Club !

The first rule of Fight Club . . . do not talk about Fight Club.
Why ? Because it embarasses Mummy and Daddy !
Ok, so here's the full story.

One day Daddy took me for a walk and decided to test my 'come back to Daddy' skills. So off went my lead . .. and off I shot across the field, like a little flying furball, straight into a pack of 3 other dogs, my teeth gnashing and their fur flying! Its what I do! I don't socalise with other dogs, never have, never will. My old owners were fine with that. Anyway, I bit one of the 'poor little pooch's' foot and got a right telling off from Daddy for it. I was in the Doghouse good and proper.
Next thing, they bundle me into the car and tell me I'm going to Doggy Classes. What the . . . ??? Doggy Classes? I don't know what they think they can teach me!
Anyway, in we go to this village hall. Oh . . My . . God ! Dogs . . . everywhere !
Dogs in the middle of the hall, fetching stuff and bringing stuff. Dogs to the side, sitting and generally being good. Dogs on the little stage area, sitting and being REALLY good. My eyes popped out of my head, I slapped my butt on the floor and just stared at them all . . stared really really hard. It was awesome.

A lady came over to Mummy and Daddy and I could hear some of what they were saying, things like "antisocial,blah blah, dreadful, blah blah, bites other dogs, blah blah, want him to be nice". Keep talking guys, I'm enjoying just sitting and staring.

The lady (I don't remember her name, but let's call her Mrs Woodhouse)asked Mummy and Daddy to sit on the stage area with me and just to let me watch the other dogs for a while. So we moved onto the stage area, which was full of Collies, all being good and quiet. Stupid Collies. I made a lunge for one of them, but it moved its nose just in time Grrrrr. So we sat for a while, and I stared at the bringing, and the fetching, and the sitting. Dog, these dogs are dull.
I heard Mummy and Daddy talking to Mrs W about how I was totally silent when other dogs were around, but that I was also foaming at the mouth like a wild, rabid hound. And these people are supposed to love me ? Get over it people, its what I do !
Then Mrs W said "thats ok for this week" and we went home ! What was that about ?

Following Wednesday, exactly the same. Into the hall, onto the stage. Sat and stared and foamed at the mouth. Made a couple of futile lunges at the stupid collies again, but nothing much.
3rd Wednesday, there I am sat on my throne, I mean, the stage, staring at the menial dogs doing their 'dog stuff' . . when all of a sudden a door opened and out poured loads of little puppies ! Dog, I was on my feet in an instance! I don't get many opportunities to chomp on a puppy, so I was determined to make the most of it. Stupid little puppies with their waggy tails and wet noses, being all 'cute and friendly'. Grrrr.
One little black labrador puppy jumped up so its front feet were on the stage. I think he was about to say "Hello", but he didn't get the chance to finish. I leapt forward in one silent bound, ready to grab and chow down on his cute and shiny little nose. Unfortunately, Daddy had a tighter hold of my lead than I realised, and yanked me backwards, just as I was about to get a grip of the little blighter. Not fair Daddy, that was my best chance. Yeah, run away puppy, I'm right behind you ! Stupid puppies. Mummy wiped the foam off my mouth, Mrs W said "oh dear" and we went home.

The very next week, things were a bit different. Mrs W seemed a bit tougher, as if she somehow hadn't believed Mummy and Daddy's stories. Hmm, I think she does now.
Anway, this time we walked down the side of the hall, inches away from the sitting, good dogs. I made a couple of sidways leaps, but Daddy wouldn't let me get a good run up at them.
At the back of hall Mrs W said she had 'some things to try'. The first thing she did was put a funny collar on me. Then some stupid Collies came running towards me ! This is my chance . . I lunged forward. Accchoooooo ! A great big puff of lemon stuff just made me sneeze. Never mind..... lunge. . . . Accchooo! Again with the lemon. Lunge . . Achooooo . . Lunge . . . Achooo.
Mrs W took the collar off and said "well that's not working".
5 minutes later, a stupid Collie came within lunging distance. I lunged . . and Mrs W grabbed me and locked me in a cupboard. Ok, can't say I was expecting that !
Never mind . I can wait. Door opens, out I come. Collie nearby .. lunge. . locked in cupboard. OK, I get it. Right let me out people.
Out of cupboard, Collie nearby, I lunge . . .. and then run and hide in the cupboard. I heard Mummy and Daddy laughing, then Mrs W saying "well that's not working". So we went home.

And that was Fight Club. We never went again ! I don't know why they took me in the first place . . I told you, they can't teach me anything !

International dog of mystery . .

well, not so mysterious really. It's all here for all to read ! But my little stories, or should I say my little tails (tails = tales .. see what I did there !!) are certainly criss-crossing the globe.

Big "Hello" to my reader in Andover, UK. My Mummy and Daddy lived there for a few months . .it was before I arrived, so unfortunately I've never been there.

And "Howdy" to the newcomer from Jacksonville, Florida.
I hope you enjoy reading a little slice of doggy life from the UK !

Another woof-out to my NZ posse . . now reading in Invercargill !! Getting about quite a bit in NZ ! I can't help but think that moving on elsewhere would be good. Bora Bora is nice this time of year so I hear. Maybe I'll have a look there and report back . . !!

Take care all x

My Autobidography .. Chapter 2. Finding my paws

So, here I am, finding my paws in my new life. New house, new Mummy, new Daddy, new country for goodness sake ! I've never been out of Wales before (at least I don't think I have ).
My new Mummy and Daddy (from hereon known as Mummy and Daddy) are so nice. Within just a couple of days I have a lovely new bed with fluffy cushion to sleep on. I made them put my bed at the foot of the stairs, so that no-one can sneak past me to get to the kitchen. Anyway, it doesn't matter because as soon as they go to bed, I just walk up the stairs and sleep on the floor right outside their bedroom door. That way in the middle of the night, they can't sneak past me to the bathroom either ! Win, win all round I think.
I have new (bigger!)food and water bowls (which are in the kitchen on a silly kitsch mat with pawprints on it !). And I have a new lead and collar, and some new toys . . . its all going so well. I think I'm going to like it here.

Wait, hang on a minute. Mummy keeps sniffing me (at the front end, not the proper end) and saying "Pooooooo, smelly". Huh, thats lovely. Just because you've taken me in, doesn't mean you can be rude.
There was no getting out of it. Mummy put me in the car and drove to a little shop, and then left. The lady did all sorts of dreadful things to me . . bathed me, blowdried my hair, cut my hair, gave me a pedicure. All sorts of dreadful things. All of which made Mummy go "aaaaaaah, our little man is gorgeous" when she came to get me ! Like I wasn't gorgeous enough with no bath, and straggly long matted hair all over my eyes.

Mummy keeps getting this little box thing out, pointing it at me and flashing a light in my eyes. Even when I'm all curled up in my bed, ready for a nice kip. FLASH ! FLASH! Usually followed by "aaaah, so cute". Really !

I have a lovely new garden to run round in, all grassy with lots of handy bushes to pee on. There's a lovely man and woman next door, called Bob and Doreen. Doreen's great, and keeps giving me biscuits over the garden fence. Nice lady !

My new collar and lead were obviously followed by walkies ! yippeeeee. Sometimes I take Mummy and Daddy round the streets for a bit, peeing all the way. (You have to mark your boundaries people) ! And then other times, I take them down the road to the grassy fields, and water the trees and bushes there.
Daddy seems really happy when I poop, cos he always says "Oh great", especially if I've stored it up for a while. I aim to please, Daddy !

Mummy and Daddy tried to put me in the car again for a little ride. I wasn't too happy at first . . dreadful memories of that long journey from Cardiff. I don't want to go through that again. I jumped into the back seat of the car, and sitting up straight I got a lovely view out of the window. I sat there, watching the world outside rushing past, eveything whooosing past, whooosing quickly . .. . . . uh oh, I feel sick. Thats the trouble - it upsets my tummy. We only went for a short drive the other day, and I threw up all over the back seat .. and the floor . . . twice. I don't think Mummy and Daddy were too pleased, but they were very nice about it. After all I can't help it. Its a really new experience for me, and I get all dizzy and stuff. Hopefully I'll get used to it . . . eventually.

Mummy and Daddy took me to see the Dog Doctor. He weighed me and told Daddy I was very overweight (cheeky), but also that I was a 'lovely little chap' (better).
He ran a little machine over my neck, and it went 'bleep', which seemed to please everyone . .. humans are weird ! Then he told Daddy to worm and de-flea me (again, cheek), and checked all my 'bits' were ok (double cheek !! I know I'm not the same as I was the day I was born, but I'm still very much a man-dog !).
Mummy and Daddy seemed happy with the visit, but I heard mutterings of 'a diet', whatever that is.

All in all, the first few weeks of my new life have been really good, and I think we're going to be a happy little family. Mummy and Daddy . . .I think I'll keep you !

Jack's travels . . . take 2 !!

So what has this week delivered ?? Well, for a start Mummy seems to be sticking to my diet. I mean of course that the amount of goodies I'm getting this week is stupidly low, not that Mummy has started eating tinned food to reduce the risk of urinary stones developing !
I'm being forced to eat all the biscuits in my food bowl, instead of having a lot of yummy sausages, fish or other human food. And she's been giving me a little spoonful of sticky medicine each morning, which she says is to help my poorly shoulder. I don't care what its for, its horrid! Then to top it off, she's started trying to make me eat a tablet each day too. Now she reckons that's full of doggy Glucosamine - again to help my poorly shoulder. Mummy said it was a yummy, chewable tablet ! Ha ! It might be a chewable tablet for other, less particular pooches, but there's no ruddy way I'm going to be chewing it. Not a chance, so there Mummy.
Hmmmm, why is Mummy breaking that tablet up over my food bowl ? Oh well, no matter. As long as she's not trying to force me to chew that horrid tablet, I'll just get on and eat my tea. Hmm, tastes different tonight. Hey ho . . . nom nom nom.

I've not been sitting by AS and UDs door this week, its just been raining too much ever time I've managed to get out of the back door. So I've just watered the shed, carried out a quick check of the boundary, and nipped straight back home again. Everything seems in order, so when the rain stops I'll try the back door again and see if AS and UD let me in.

I've been dreaming of New Zealand quite a lot this week, not sure why. I think it might be because I saw that someone was reading my blog in NZ, and its just made me dream. The dreams have been really vivid and feel very real.
I even dreamt I had some pictures taken : Jack's travels shows the pictures.

I have a feeling that NZ won't keep me for too long. I have a yearning to be in warmer climates . . somewhere Pacific sounds nice. . . ..

Oh, and I have to say Hi to my new reader in West Bromwich ! Thats where my Mummy was born, and my Grandad Keith is still a supporter of the Baggies. So, welcome West Brom reader !!

I know the next chapter of my autobidogrrrrraphy is overdue. Really, these writing deadlines are hard work ! I'll get on with it . . the travelling has taken up so much of my time recently !!

Dog doctor visit

Have tried sitting at AS & UD's back door again . . . still nothing. I've not given up, because I'm a dog and we guard . .its what we do.
But I will confess to only looking in through the window for 5 or 10 minutes at a time now, instead of howling and prowling on and off all day and all evening.
Partly because Mummy keeps standing their with a sad look on her face saying "Not today sweetie". But mainly because its pretty obvious, even to a little dog like me, that they just aren't there !
Patrols around the garden will continue with the usual regularity, and the shed and the washing line will be watered as normal !
I've noticed that I'm being read in Christchurch, New Zealand this week . . . . hmmmmmmm, I wonder who that is . . . . ?

Mummy took me to see the Dog Doctor today. She said it was about my poorly shoulder, as it has been playing up over the last few days (which may be directly related to lack of cocktail sausages). The Dog Doctor was a very nice lady - at first. And then she just started on me and Mummy.
First she said I had the onset of Arthritis, and gave Mummy a bottle of 'stuff' to give me. Next she said I had cataracts starting as my eyes were getting a bit blurry. Mummy explained that that is why when I see someone in the distance carrying a carrier bag, I go into 'stalking/attack mode' as I think its a dog !
I've often wondered why there are so many orange dogs called Sainsbury around my territory !
Anyway, I digress. .. . . . then the Dog Doctor weighed me !!!!! And her first comment was "oh, you've put on a bit". Nice , thanks love ! She told Mummy that I could do with losing 2kg !
And then, just to top it all off, she called me a 'geriatric' !!! OMG, what a bitch (and not in a good "lady dog" way !) Geriatric indeed. I felt like peeing all over her nice clean table.
But instead, what I did do while she was examining me, was to 'pretend' I was all excited . . . and got my 'lipstick' out ! Ha, that'll show her that I'm no geriatric. The Dog Doctor didn't seem to be impressed, but it made Mummy laugh anyway !

So, when we got home, Mummy gave me some of the horrid medicine, and because of the horrid Dog Doctor saying I was a porker, Mummy wouldn't let me wash the medicine down with a sausage ! Aaaaaand, she measured my lunch. This is not going well !
I can only hope she forgets about it all really soon, and starts throwing food my way again . .. . . literally !!

I'm so confused

During the last week, AS & UD have had a big suitcase in the spare bedroom, and they keep putting things into it. Things like shorts, flip flops, and suntan cream, I helped as much as I could, by sniffing every single item and being under their feet so they knew where I was.
And they keep talking about putting me in the case with them, and taking me with them, whatever that means.

They've been weird, spoiling me more than usual and giving me lots more hugs. Even Mummy keeps saying 'aaah, poor baby' ! No idea why. Humans ! I'll never understand them.
Then on Saturday, Mummy picked me up for one of her hugs, and took me outside, where AS & UD were putting the big case thing into a car. They both said "bye bye sweetie, see you in 5 weeks" and then drove off. Whatever. I'll see them later.

OK. . . so I've been sitting outside AS & UD's back door all ruddy evening. I've cried, I've scratched the door, I've whimpered, and I've even tried sitting there nonchalantly as if I've not really bothered. Nothing ! Not a thing.
Mummy keeps popping her head over the fence and saying "They aren't there, they're away". I don't understand. Why aren't they home. Where would they go without me ??

Mummy sat me down and had a really good chat with me. She kept saying "Blah blah blah, gone away. Blah blah blah, AS & UD holiday. Blah blah blah, Hong Kong".

I still don't know what she's talking about, blabbering on, crazy woman.
Anyway I'm not happy at all, so went to bed early. I didn't even bother with supper - which makes my point I think !

Sunday - ok lets try to have a better day today.
Mummy decided to take me to work with her today ! Wow, what a treat.
She packed my little bed, my bowls and some food and we drove to the office.
Mummy was on one of the computers the whole time, so I was able to use one of the others to update my blog ! You should see me at the computer on my slideshow !
Hee hee, I've never 'worked' in an office before !! Very exciting.

I'm interested in what Mummy said about Hong Kong, so I decided to look it up whilst she was working !
I think the pictures at Jack's travels show it off very nicely !

My Autobidography . . . .Chapter 1. Puppyhood

I thought it might be a good thing to run through my first 6 years, and jot down the highs and lows of a little dog's life.

Back in mid 1999 I was born in Cardiff somewhere, the exact details are sketchy. About 6 months later I found myself in the RSPCA kennels. I don't know why or how, or where all my family went. But I was really well looked after there, and had all my doggy jabs and even had a little microchip inserted under my skin. I think its a good chip, not some kind of government-spy chip or Terminator/RoboDog chip.

After a short while a lady and 2 men came to the kennels and said "we want him". They meant me !! I was off to a new home.
They were Mr & Mrs Clarke and their son. They were all lovely even though they were all elderly.
I had a lovely time living with them. They named me Jacky. And they fed me looooooooads of stuff, - doggy food sometimes, but lots of chocolate and puddings and cakes and stuff. Yummy. I suppose I did put on a bit of weight, because although I ate loads I didn't really go for walks. Anyway, life was nice and most days were pretty much the same.
Then about 5 or 5 1/2 years into our lives together, something happened and it all changed.
One day lots of people came to the house and it was really busy, next thing I know a man said "I'll look after him, but only for a very short time". I never saw Mr or Mrs Clarke or their son again. I did overhear someone say that they had all been ill and died within a very short time of each other, all from totally unrelated illnesses. A great shame, they were very lovely people.

Fairly soon afterwards, Mr & Mrs Clarke's other son, Mike, collected me from my foster home and put me in his car, saying "Come on Jacky, time for you to meet your new Mummy and Daddy". I didn't really understand what that meant, but I was happy to be in the car with Mike on a big adventure.
Mike met up with some bloke called Kevin and after I'd had a bit of fuss off him, he got me to jump into his car instead of Mike's and we drove away.
I cried the whole journey ! I had no idea what was happening to me. Everyone was gone, it was just me and Kevin. He seemed nice, and kept saying "I'm going to be your new Daddy, and your new Mummy can't wait to meet you". But I was sooooo upset I didn't care. I just cried and cried.
We ended up in a place called Bath, where Kevin took me into a new house. I was able to run around the house, sniffing everything and then he let me outside to run around a huge garden, which was amazing ! Kevin then fetched my bed, food and toys out of his car and put them in the house. Looks like I'll be staying for a little while then !
Later that day, the front door opened and a lady came in. Kevin said "Its Mummy". I ran to the door and said "Hello" to the lady, who knelt down on the floor and gave me loads of kisses and hugs. "We're your new Mummy and Daddy" she said, "And you are gorgeous !". Aaaah, the way to my heart. Well not really, the best way to my heart is food ! But fuss comes a close second.
The 3 of us sat together and played with some of my toys. Then we all had food together. And I got lots of fuss, and had lots of photos taken. When it was time to go to bed, I gave my new Mummy and Daddy big kisses, and gots loads back! Then I curled up in my bed at the bottom of the stairs. I was exhausted, it had been a very very busy day. I'd left Cardiff behind and was about to start the next chapter in my life - life with my Mummy and Daddy !

My autobiography . . .coming soon

I've decided that its about time that I told my side of the story, from my humble beginnings to present day. Its 11 years of roller coaster highs and lows, emotional and full of love.

Stay tuned . . . .

Welkom !

That was specifically for my Dutch readers ! Oh yeah, the Word of Dog is spreading around the globe !
I would also like to say a huge "Hello" to my new readers in Guernsey and Cardiff too.

Well, I'm happy to report that the stupid Siamese cat has kept its distance all week. I should think so too, cheeky thing. I only invite people/things I like, and I do not like cats !
One of the ruddy things was screeching outside this really early this morning. I woofed in a 'big dog' voice (which isn't easy to do if you're my size !), and Mummy shouted "Shut up" from upstairs. One of us seemed to scare the noisy thing away, and I'm going to claim it !

I think Mummy is threatening to bath me again. She keeps sniffing my face ! I don't even like other dogs sniffing my butt, so I can't say I'm best pleased about any bit of me being sniffed by a human.
It's raining today though, so I may get away with it (or without it, as the case may be) for a few more days. Plus I doubt Mummy will want to bath me anywhere near her precious 'new' bathroom, so it will have to wait until it stops raining and I can have another al fresco bath. I hate bathing. I'm not sure if I've mentioned it before ? But I reeeeeally hate bathing. Just don't get what humans see in it.

With any luck I might get some decent grub at AS& UD's tonight, not that 'Veterinary special diet' muck that Mummy feeds me. Proper dog food, you know, steak, beef, mince, burgers, chicken, sausages, meaty bones, white fish, chocolate, biscuits, chocolate biscuits, ice-cream, rice pudding, yoghurt. Proper dog food !

Cats are evil . .

Firstly, welcome to my Teddington, Wokingham and London readers !

Bit of an uneventful week. But on the upside - no baths this week ! Phew.

I was very well behaved on Monday morning. As we left our house, one of the Wicked Witch's 2 Siamese things was sat on the wall, and I walked straight past it. Not even a 2nd glance at the nasty, evil, sneaky looking thing. Now I'm not a fan of any type of cat (except for Tigers, which are Mummy's favourite cats. I think their full name is "Leicester Tigers Rugby Football Club"), I mean, one cat is pretty much like anyother to me. Except for those Siamese ones. Bleeeeuuurrrgggggh ! Hateful.
Anyway, walked straight past it. Mummy said I was a Very Good Boy, and gave my backside a scratch. See, sometimes its worth being good.

Well, that all went out the window on Saturday morning. Mummy opened the front door to take me for my 'patrol round the local boundaries', and right outside my front door, there it was. Ruddy cheek ! Blatant crossing the line ! I was nice to it (or it might have been its twin, who knows) earlier in the week, and this is how it repays me. Well, no more Mr Nice Dog. I launched at it, and gave out one of my very best "hoooooooooooooooooooowwwl', and it fled with its stupid thin tail between its legs. If Mummy hadn't had a tight hold of my (unnecessary in my opinion) collar and lead (or 'restrictive head brace' )it could well have been breakfast ! Next time Siamesey-cat, next time.

'The plumber' seems to have finished whatever it is that they were doing in the bathroom. Mummy seemed happy enough. She kept singing to me about 'lovely new tiles', and 'lovely new shower', and . . well you get the drift. Crazy lady. I couldn't get so excited about where I did my ablutions. Thereagain, I do mine wherever and whenever the whim takes me ! AS & UD's garden shed is a favourite 'de-watering hole',and as for washing myself . .. anywhere is good for me ! Why stand on ceremony, just get down to it when the mood takes.

AS & UD didn't seem to be answering the door to me yesterday evening. I popped round the back around 7pm (teatime!) and stared through the door for a bit. I even gave a really cute whimper, but nothing. Mummy came and told me 'Not today'. Meanies. Oh well, Mummy's gone to work today so I can have all day with them today instead. Yeah !
Its just as well AS & UD don't have any holiday booked, cos I miss them enough after a few hours. Just imagine what I'd be like if they went away for a few days !!! I can rest easy that that isn't going to happen any time soon . . . .